Anyone who has ever suffered from depression knows how hard it is to cope each day and go on as though nothing is wrong. I remember when I first started therapy and meds almost 13 years ago. I used to count my days as having a "good day" or "bad day" (emotionally). Eventually, my good days outweighed the bad days and I knew I was making real progress. I went to a Christian therapist for almost 3 years and acquired many tools that I needed to heal and help myself through life's struggles.
I have been on Zoloft for almost 13 years now. It has been doing its job. The last month or so, I have been having some of those "bad days" again. Some days I just want to crawl away and hide and have myself a little pity party.
The internal struggle begins. I am so blessed, I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Maybe it is just the added stress lately with my brother being back in jail. Or maybe it is the fact that the ex and youngest SD have moved back to the area and we are having to deal with the drama more often. Of course it could be that the oldest SD expects everyone to cater to her and I seem to be the only one that refuses to do it!
I'll be 36 in a few months and have never had a child. Maybe that is the thing that is eating at me. I need earplugs to block the ticking of my biological clock. I struggle with the idea that bringing a child into the mix of all the existing chaos could prove my final breaking point.
After listing my current worries,
MAYBE I DO HAVE A REASON TO BE DEPRESSED AFTER ALL!
Bedroom Decor Inspiration
9 years ago
1 comment:
Been in the same boat, DH even has a vasectomy reversal to enable us to have children if we wanted. But now with SS 13 aand SS 15 only a few years from being out of the house, we're kind of thinking we've put in enough time focusing on children, considering all the problems we've had with BM, and our time is coming up. We've always been restricted to where we can live, what our schedule is, and have always had this "additional weight" around our necks (the BM, not the kids!) I think we are just looking forward to some freedom and time for ourselves.
While there will always be a part of me that dreams of what it would be like, I'm perfectly happy with the reality of not having a child of "our own" and just enjoying the time DH and I will have "stress free" compared to what the last 8 years have been like.
I know how easy it is to go back and forth about it, though!
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