Children Do Not Realize

My friend at work had this poem on her desk a few months ago. It touched me and I thought I should share it. I hope and pray the girls will come to realize how much we all truly love them. We only want what's best for them. Right now we are always the enemy to them, but I can't help but think maybe later they will realize the love and concern we have always had for them.

CHILDREN DO NOT REALIZE

Children do not realize
Until the years have flown
How thoughtful
are their parents' ways,
How very much their own.
How loving
are their parents' hearts,
How deep is their concern,
How many special things they do
With no thought of return.
But by and by,
they come to see
And realize their worth,
And know for sure their parents
Are their dearest friends
on earth!

Step-Parenting is NOT FOR WIMPS!

Step-parenting is NOT for Wimps! Can I get an AMEN? If you have ever been a stepparent, GOD BLESS YOU! It is the most challenging thing I have ever set my sites on. I've done it twice in 2 totally different marriages with different circumstances. It is difficult no matter what.

Last night I received more very hurtful myspace messages from my oldest step-daughter. So many painful issues are coming out. I think I am figuring out why she has such bitterness towards me. In her mind, her relationship with her father changed when we got married. Basically, she thinks he was a great father until I came along.

So today, my husband's ex-wife and the daughter came to town. We debated on how to handle the situation. The ex-wife lives 100 miles away, so we had only an hour and a half to prepare for the "showdown". You see, in December, we were supposed to sit down and talk through some issues. She finally came to town, but she decided not to come to our house that day. So the hurt feelings and discontent from Thanksgiving through the end of the year have remained bottled up and today we were supposed to deal with them over an hour or so. Yeah, Right!

The ex-wife called and asked if we would all like to meet for lunch at a local restaurant. We weren't sure that would be the best setting if things went bad. My husband and I prayed about it and decided maybe things would not end up in a shouting match if we met in a public place. So we went. I guess things went as best as they could. The ex-wife actually did well and even took up for us and tried to point out how much we are trying to help her. I was shocked. That has not been her nature in the past. She even tried to encourage me when we were leaving and I was falling apart.

She is moving to Dallas on Friday to "start a new life". Of course, she is moving in with her biological father and his family that she met only a few months ago. She just came out of a crummy relationship with a younger "boy" and I just hope she isn't trying to run away from her problems with us and him. She said she feels like if she moves home with mom or comes to live with us, that means she is a "failure". She does blame me for all the changes in her father's involvement in her and her sister's lives. We brought up that there were other changes that happened at the same time that made it difficult for us to be AS INVOLVED as before. Within a year of us getting married, the kids and their mom moved 100 miles away. We continued to make as many of their school functions as possible, took them on trips during summer vacation and had them every other weekend as long as they would come. It is never enough.

I guess sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try or how much I love them all, I am always the easy one to blame for the things that go wrong. The wicked "step monster", you know. I guess if loving your father and you unconditionally; building a savings account and paying for college; trying to make every occasion a special occasion..... if all those things make me wicked, then I guess I AM! I wear the title proud.

I cried for more than an hour after we left and came home. It hurts so much. Then I think, if I am hurting this much, how badly is my husband's heart broken? I want to be strong for him. He says I am not to blame. I know it is not my fault. I truly believe I have learned from my mistakes during my first try as a step-mom. Of course, I make new mistakes, don't we all? I used to think as long as I did what is right, it doesn't affect me what people think of me. Boy, was I wrong?! It hurts to the core! I want her to love me again. I want us all to be able to get along. Time will tell...

WOW, WHAT A DAY!

Updates on My Crazy Life

• Well, all my family members are out of jail! For the moment anyway!
• Yesterday, I finished up my refresher course for National Registry, so I can renew my Paramedic certification.

So two major hurdles are out of the way! YEAH! Until the "next" time. You never really know what it is going to happen around here anymore! I am learning to take one day at a time, and some days go by without a hitch, then....BAM! It all hits us at once! I know the Lord won't give us more than we can handle. Praise God I have a loving husband at my side. (He may regret marrying into my crazy family.) We still have so much to be thankful for. We are blessed beyond measure!

New news on the oldest step-daughter. She has decided to move to Dallas and live with her biological father (sperm donor) and his family. They just met each other in August '07. We have only "heard through the grapevine" that she is moving, she has not called her dad yet to break the news. Maybe it is for the best, I don't think his wife and her will continue to get along so well when they have to spend every waking hour together. She appears to be very controlling and I don't think the daughter will stand for it. There are still many issues she needs to come talk to us about. I hope she will swallow her pride soon and make things right with her dad and I. He has been the only father she has ever known. She at least owes us some explanations. That's not too much to ask, right? There are lots of hurt feelings on both sides.

A Challenging Day

Yesterday was a day filled with many challenges. I had a day off from work, but from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, everyone seemed to "need" me to help them with their problems. Like I don't have enough of my own!

My brother, who has no transportation of his own, needed help moving a few items into his new place. No problem, that should only take a few minutes, right? With my brother it is never one request. He then asked if we could go to lunch. That sounded okay, we haven't been that close these last several years, and we should spend more time together. Then the next request: A police officer visited his new job looking for him, and he needed to go pay for some traffic tickets from 2 years ago! Okay, that shouldn't take too long, and I can be there to make sure he actually pays and is at least clear of warrants in one county! Yeah! So we make a trip to his work to get an advance on his check, to the bank to cash it, and to the municipal court to pay the tickets. The officer is there when we arrive. Apparently, there was more to it. Last month, my brother stole a firearm in another county to trade for drugs. He turned himself in and was bonded out the same day. A "trustworthy" person has to sign the bond and take responsibility for seeing to it that he appears at all the court dates, etc. The person who had signed it initially has removed their name from the bond. Even though the fees of $500 have been paid, the bond company had apparently revoked the bond because no one else had gone to put their signature on it.

(My husband and I decided long ago that we would never help my brother financially again, and this included signing any bonds because of the responsibilities that follow if he doesn't do what he is supposed to.)

So the officer arrested my brother anyway because of the stolen firearm and bond issues. He has been in jail many times, but I have never been present to see them take him away. It was really tough. He begged me again, to go sign on the bond so they would reinstate it. I told him, "we have already talked about this, I can't do it". He can be very persuasive or should I say manipulative. I called my husband crying and asked him what we should do. After a few phone calls, from my brother to me and me to my husband, my hubby told me the decision was mine and he would support me no matter what. I struggled with it most of the afternoon. Sure, my brother seems to be turning over a new leaf these last few weeks. He has a job; he has a place to live of his own; he paid his own bond and a few tickets. Are those few acts of responsibility enough to prove himself after messing up for so many years? If I signed on the bond, and he doesn't follow through with the court dates, I would be responsible for $5000. What was I thinking? No way, I couldn't do it. I made the decision, it is final. So he spent the night in jail. Another arraignment on the same charge, a new bond, and he was released this morning.

I know I made the right decision. We have been burned so many times. One day it looks like he is really trying to change and then he stays out all weekend smoking up every penny he has. So it appears he is doing well for a few weeks. That's a start, but far from being cured. I love my brother. His addictions have brought him to a point in his life where he has nothing to lose. Tough love, they say, I've said it myself. I guess it IS harder than it sounds.

Family Secrets

WOW! Today is a day of so many mixed feelings. Families have so many secrets...
I have always said every family has dysfunction to some degree. Why does my family seem to have an abundance of it?

Another family member is in jail. The charges are legit and he deserves to be there. His offense is hideous and it angers me that he got away with it for a lifetime. So why do I have so many mixed feelings about it? Maybe because the entire situation has been kept a secret by so many for so long. How many times does it have to happen for you to accept that it is true? Maybe I am confused because of the love I still feel for him, in spite of what he's done. The secret is out and everyone handles it in a different way. What seems crystal clear to me, becomes the muddiest of waters to the others.

My family is in a civil war. North against the South, I guess you could say. You know anytime there is a conflict, people take sides and the war is on! I have a hard time understanding why anybody is taking his side.

Lessons I Learned in the Dark

I am reading a great book right now. So much of what I am learning from the book is confirmation to what God has been showing me in my family struggles the last few weeks.

Chapter 4 is titled "Receiving God's Gifts with Thanks" and centers around giving God thanks in everything that happens in our lives. Whoa... I can think of a few very tough circumstances that are quite difficult to thank God for right now. But there are several passages in the book that opened my eyes to what my response should be in those types of circumstances. Sometimes it is all about how we look at things. I am seeing that not everything that happens in my life if "of God", but we can choose to be bitter about it or have faith and see that God's grace will suffice to make things better than ever! Jennifer writes, "The only difference between becoming bitter and becoming better is the letter I". I need to focus more on being grateful than focusing on "what I want, what I have lost or what I think is fair".

So if you need a good book to read, check this one out!

Lessons I Learned in the Dark
Steps to Walking by Faith, not by Sight
by Jennifer Rothschild

Are you a Victim or a Survivor?

We need to focus on being more POSITIVE, something I am trying to learn to do.
Remember: things could always be much worse! Just a few examples:

1. YOU GET PULLED OVER BY THE COPS ON THE WAY TO WORK: Maybe the Lord protected me from an accident up ahead!
2. YOUR PARENTS ARE ON YOUR BACK ABOUT THE FRIENDS YOU HANG WITH: Hey, they must really love me, to be involved in my life!
3. YOU ARE UNHAPPY BECAUSE YOU GAINED A FEW POUNDS DURING THE HOLIDAYS: Well, praise God that I had plenty of food to eat. So many people are starving around the world.
4. YOU HAD A REALLY BAD HAIR DAY: At least I have hair!
5. YOU HAVE A CRUMMY DAY AT WORK: (Boy do I know about those days) I am thankful to have a job!

I read an article online that said there are 2 kinds of people in the world:
"Victims" and "Survivors"
That is so true! I can honestly place every person I meet into one of these categories. If we get stuck in the "victim" mentality, it can take over and we learn to blame everyone else for our mistakes and short comings. By taking responsibility for our actions, including our mistakes, we can move forward and make necessary changes to better ourselves. It isn't always the easy route, but it sure makes for a happier ending!

I have been a Victim, but I choose to live as a Survivor!

Hard Lesson Learned

Well, I've been called a lot of things, but my latest nickname of "stepmonster" is my favorite! The 18-year-old stepdaughter started her first semester of college in the fall 07. It turns out she didn't know as much about life as she thought she did. After failing all her classes and ending with a GPA of 0.66, she apparently is not returning to school. Which as bad as it seems, is just fine with me because I don't really like throwing away our hard earned money!

So now she is entering the University of Hard Knocks! The idea of being "on her own" isn't as fun as she thought it would be. Although my definition of being on your own is very different than hers, I think she is beginning to see how hard it is when you shut out the family that is helping you the most.

ADDICTIONS

The abuse of illicit drugs has been fresh on my mind lately. Many things contribute to it. My job gives me the inside scoop on how people like to trash their bodies so I guess I see first hand how the addictions destroy lives and I can't understand why the users continue to use! Their families are falling apart around them. I have always said maybe they need to hit "rock bottom" before they can look up. But how far down do they have to go? You lose your job, your vehicle, and don't even have a place to live, yet you are still able to find a way to feed the habit. I hope you will come to the place where you will find Jesus and seek His deliverance from the addictions.

And then we come to the teenagers who are experimenting. Just starting their journey and always think they are missing out on something. Believe me, kids, drugs are not cool! And by the way, MARIJUANA IS A DRUG! It is illegal and usually the gateway to the harder addictions. So stay away from it! Don't ruin your life trying to "fit in" or "be cool". Drugs destroy your body from the inside out. They eat away at your liver, kidneys, and other vital organs. Not a pretty picture, is it?

So, the question is: Where do you turn when you feel there is no way out?

JESUS IS THE ANSWER!

Having a family member who is an addict can take its toll. If any of you out there know what I'm talking about, please reach out for help. We can't be the only ones dealing with these issues. It hurts to watch someone you love spiral out of control and try to take everyone down with them.