Attitudes: Good and Bad

I've always heard that "Attitude is Everything". That can be good or bad. Apparently I have done something else to upset the youngest SD. We are still here in Mexico and she has only said about 2 words to me the entire day. Everytime my husband and I say something to the oldest, she blows up and lashes out before we finish the first sentence! It is such a chore to get any work out of either of them.

Are ALL teen-age girls this moody and unpredictable? I can not seem to stay ahead. One day I think everything is great and we all seem to be getting along. The next day it seems to take a fraction of a second and here comes the DRAMA! Every little thing becomes a huge, chaotic mess! And of course, it is ALWAYS my fault, because...
I AM THE STEPMONSTER!!!

We have an opportunity here to show the girls how to give of themselves unselfishly and do something to make the world a little bit better place. They both knew what we were coming here to do! It is not about them, it is about the families we come into contact with each day in the poor campos throughout the city and surrounding areas. These girls have been raised by a selfish, manipulative woman, and it appears that is all they know. My goal is to show them the opposite. I just pray it isn't too late for their hearts to be changed.

More from Mexico

Things are looking up here in Mexico. We have still had some obstacles but things are looking up! Both step-daughters are showing improvement and genuine interest in being a part of things. Last night, our missionary preached a sermon at one of the churches and the oldest SD told me she "cried through the whole thing." She said it felt like "it was directed to her and everything she has been going through." They seemed to open up a little bit today and branched out on their own with the kids at VBS. We were hoping the two of them would be separated a bit so they would get out of their comfort zones and bond with some of the other teens. We are working with a group of teens from Ft. Worth. Great bunch of kids!

God is doing some great things already. I know He isn't finished working here. There are 5 teams doing 9 VBS sites and a Revival every night. Some of the areas are an hour drive from the city and after doing 2 VBS sites today, we are very tired but also very blessed. Thanks for your prayers! Keep 'em coming!

Greetings from Torreon, Mexico!

Hola from Torreon, Mexico! I have just a minute to update my blogger friends on our trip so far. We were blessed with a safe trip Friday, smooth border crossing and safe passage through the storms. We got to the hotel around 8:00 p.m. and had supper, then went to finish unloading the truck. Unfortunately, our truck had been broken into. The driver's side window was busted out and the handle broken. Several things were taken, including my wallet, with no money in it, but my driver's license, credit cards, insurance cards, & all my certifications for work. My husband's boots, jumper cables & binoculars, my digital camera & palm pilot, and a portable CD player and both of our cell phones are gone too. Praise God my husband had all the money in his pocket and they didn't take the folder with our paperwork, passports, etc. Credit cards have been cancelled and the cell phones suspended. We have glass ordered for the window, it should be in on Tuesday.

So, we got through that hurdle. Things are still not going smoothly with the oldest SD. I really do not understand why she came. She said she "didn't want to come, but had nothing else to do." It seems like just another way to postpone having to find a job and pay her own bills. She through a little attitude my way tonight after supper. I stood up for myself and said what needed to be said and then walked away before I strangled someone. One of the churches fixed a glorious meal for us. There are about 60 americans here to minister to 6 churches throughout the week doing Vacation Bible Schools. Every time we have had a meal so far, the girls eat and then go sit in our truck by themselves. I just suggested that they get to know some of the others in our group since we will be working with them all week. I also stated to both of them, "you will get out of this trip what you put into it". I explained that this is an opportunity they will only have once and they should make the most of it.

We are only 2 days into the trip and we have already had several issues. I truly believe that the Lord has an AWESOME plan for the week, because Satan keeps throwing fiery darts in our way. I refuse to let him have his way. My husband and I are here to serve the Lord and we believe it is no accident that our family is here together. Please keep praying for us, I believe in the power of prayer!

Mission Trip / Family Test

I don't have a lot of time to write now, but I am having a difficult time with a major change that came about last night! My husband and I are traveling to Mexico for another mission trip tomorrow. The youngest SD has gone with us the last 2 times and was already planning to go this time. Last night, for some weird reason, (I have my own ideas why), the oldest SD decided out of the blue she wants to go with us. This is a HUGE answer to prayer, because we have asked her to go many times before and the last time we asked she screamed at us and said she "has no desire to go, it is not my thing, don't ask me again!!!"

So I should be happy right? I have mixed feelings about it all, because she hasn't spoken to me in about 5 months. Now she will be traveling to another country with us to do mission work? I hope this will be good for all of us to establish a new friendship and bond. But my fear is it will be the opposite. A mission trip is not the time or the place to have a family feud. The drama needs to stay here. We plan on having a little chat with both girls this evening on what is expected of them.

So, that's all I have time to say for now. I am asking all my blogging friends to PLEASE think of me this week and PRAY that our family will make it through this test.

Rough "Day at the Office"

I have always said that being a paramedic shows me rather frequently that my life isn't so bad and there are others with crazier problems than my family. I have been in EMS for 8 years. You learn to take the good with the bad and most days are not as stressful as you might think.

Today was a different story. It is 11:00 p.m. and I am sitting down at MY computer in MY house for the first time in 40 hours. I had a couple of naps yesterday at work totaling about 6 hours all together. I am still on call and about to go back in for a transfer to another county. And OH YEAH, I am back on duty at 7:00 a.m. for another 24-hr shift. I live & work in a small town and we aren't always this busy, but today has gone on FOREVER!

I am saddened by a couple of the calls we had today that just didn't seem to go right and didn't end the way we wanted. And another one just now involving a teenage girl who was sexually assaulted. It hasn't been the best day of my EMS career. We've had worse and we've had better. I pray tomorrow is a better one.

More Concerns

Oldest Step-daughter has spent yet another week twisting off and I am more concerned than ever. In spite of all her faults, she has always insisted that she didn't drink alcohol and didn't like people who did. However, this weekend has shown the exact opposite. She spent the week in the little town she graduated from one year ago and it appears all she did was party with old friends. I was told she came home so drunk Friday night that her friend's husband had to carry her to bed.

I don't understand where the changes have come from exactly, but I feel it has something to do with the boyfriend she had this past year. He has some really bad habits that we have heard about and as we predicted, became physically abusive to her sometime last week. I don't know the whole story, but supposedly there are split up again. I hope that is for good! Maybe she is rebelling against all forms of responsibility right now and this is just another way to show us she has a mind of her own! Boy do we know it.

I also have an issue with the ex teaching the girls to think this type of behavior is okay. A couple of weeks ago, the youngest daughter loaded some pics off her camera onto our computer. She was showing me the pictures and I saw one that concerned me. I said, "that looks like a bar". She said, "yeah, but we were with mom". Oh! I guess that makes it alright then! I have also seen pics in the past from the lake where the girls were drinking with their mom. That was over a year ago. Behaviors are learned and I wonder why parents would want to teach bad behaviors instead of good ones?

So it seems to me that "K" is really out of control with no end in sight. I am worried what will be her wake-up call. What will it take for her to realize she must take care of her self, her responsibilities and discontinue the self destruction? PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!

Depression has a way of Interrupting a perfectly good day!

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression knows how hard it is to cope each day and go on as though nothing is wrong. I remember when I first started therapy and meds almost 13 years ago. I used to count my days as having a "good day" or "bad day" (emotionally). Eventually, my good days outweighed the bad days and I knew I was making real progress. I went to a Christian therapist for almost 3 years and acquired many tools that I needed to heal and help myself through life's struggles.

I have been on Zoloft for almost 13 years now. It has been doing its job. The last month or so, I have been having some of those "bad days" again. Some days I just want to crawl away and hide and have myself a little pity party.

The internal struggle begins. I am so blessed, I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Maybe it is just the added stress lately with my brother being back in jail. Or maybe it is the fact that the ex and youngest SD have moved back to the area and we are having to deal with the drama more often. Of course it could be that the oldest SD expects everyone to cater to her and I seem to be the only one that refuses to do it!

I'll be 36 in a few months and have never had a child. Maybe that is the thing that is eating at me. I need earplugs to block the ticking of my biological clock. I struggle with the idea that bringing a child into the mix of all the existing chaos could prove my final breaking point.

After listing my current worries,
MAYBE I DO HAVE A REASON TO BE DEPRESSED AFTER ALL!

CATCH-22

I am quoting a portion of an entry from A Stepmom's Say
"It really is a Catch-22 when it comes to being a good Stepmom. If you are bad at it, every little thing you do is criticized and used as a weapon against your husband. If you do your best to take care of your stepchildren, and even grow to love them, you risk igniting a hidden insecurity within the biological mother over the kind of mother that she is."

Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself. This is my second time as a step-mom and I can truly say I was not good at it the first time! I was too young and had no idea how to be a wife, much less a parent. A ready-made family at age 20 is enough to make anyone go insane! (Not to mention the in-laws) Anyhow, after 3 years of therapy and now going on 13 years of anti-depressants, I learned to deal with the five years of marriage to my first husband.

I have been married to my current hubby for 8 years now and I couldn't be happier! When we were dating, I remember saying all the time, "this is too good to be true". Well, it is still good and it is still true. I truly believe that I have given a whole-hearted attempt at being a good step-mom this time. The girls and I bonded early on and I really felt like we got along great. They were 9 & 11 when we got married. I guess it seems like no matter what I do, it is going to be wrong and I will still get my heart broken.

I find myself guarding my heart, in a sense, because if I get "too close" or try "too hard" to help them with something, I will get burned again. Repeating the pain over and over is NO FUN! Friends keep saying, they will realize what you have done for them when they are older. Well, that may be true, but it hurts NOW. So it is hard to imagine them being older and appreciating us.

As much as it hurts me, surely my husband is feeling it ten times as much. These are HIS children. I don't ever want to be the cause of them breaking his heart.

Still Getting a FREE Ride...

I've written before about my oldest step-daughter and trying to get her to take on more of her own responsibilities. YEAH.... Still working on that...

She is 19 years, 3 months, 13 days and again is UNEMPLOYED. Several months ago she had started a new job. My husband and I had a talk with her and gave a deadline of "the end of July" to start paying her own bills. She stays rent free at her uncle's house, so her bills would include: car payment, car insurance, & cell phone totaling approximately $500 a month. We agreed to let her send the car payment to us each month so we could see she was reliable. We would give her a few months and then promised to help her get the car re-financed in her name so she could begin building her OWN credit. She had plenty of warning to begin paying her own way. Now, conveniently as of July 7th she has no job again. It appears to me, she did not take us seriously.

So what are the answers? The beginning of July, I tried to get my husband to agree on some consequences if she did not following our "deal". I mean, how do we get her to make the transition? How do we get her to take life seriously? I know she has to have a car to go to work, but sometimes I want to go pick it up for a few days and maybe she would realize that is exactly what would happen if the car was in her name and she didn't make the payments! The car was originally purchased for her to go to college, she has been out of high school for a year now, flunked out of the 1st semester and now has no desire to go back. My thinking is if you are not going to school, then it is time to accept some responsibility of your own!

Her mother continues to enable her and make excuses, she just tells us she will continue making the payments. I think if we all continue to pay her way, she will NEVER wake up and smell the coffee! That is why she hasn't done it yet. She doesn't NEED TO!

Does anyone have any suggestions? I usually speak my mind pretty boldly, I try to be flexible, but we have been fighting this battle for a while now with no end in site.

County Jail for now

My brother did finally turn himself in to authorities on July 8th. He is in the county jail for now. The "failure to appear" charge hasn't shown up in the system yet, but he had 3 other warrants. So I'm not really sure what will happen next.

I pray for his state of mind each day. He isn't a strong person emotionally. It still hurts from our last phone encounter and the things he said to me. I fully expect him to be calling collect from the jail soon, not to apologize, but to cry on my shoulder. He has no problem pretending everything is fine between the two of us each time, like nothing happened before. I don't forget that easy, when it hasn't been resolved.

Cystic Acne & Accutane

I took the youngest step daughter to the dermatologist on Monday. Boy, what a day! To give a little background, my husband has always provided health & dental insurance for his daughters as per the divorce decree. (He has been divorced from their mother for almost 15 years) He was doing his part, so we always thought she must be doing her part. Since we've been married, I would ask Jeff why the girls hadn't been to the dentist for their 2 free cleanings each year? Or their annual free eye exam?

I have been deeply concerned about the youngest SD who has had severe cystic acne for over 3 years now. Supposedly the ex took her once to the dermatologist and the doctor wanted to put her on a program taking the drug, Accutane. The ex never followed up and was scared of the "side effects". Now the poor girl will soon be 18 and is so severely, I mean SEVERELY scarred on her face, chest, and back. I saw her back for the 1st time at the doctor's office, and we both cried. All I could say was, "I am so sorry". I never guessed it was THAT bad!

Granted, they have lived 100 miles away for the last 7 1/2 years. The youngest and her mom just moved back to the area we live, only 15 miles away. Most of the doctors and dentists are 35 miles away from us. A few months ago I delicately brought up the subject of making some appointments for her over the summer, since they are now living closer to us. Her mother said that was fine because, "she was always working and didn't have time". (WHAT?????) My husband and I both work full time as well, but I am willing to make time to see to the child's needs.

Maybe I'm wrong, but after seeing her badly scarred body and emotional state from the acne issues, I can definitely see a case of NEGLECT on the mother's part. No point now I guess, in pursuing any case against her since the girls are grown now. It still saddens me so much to see how they have pretty much raised themselves these last several years. Now they are worldly, angry, and bitter young women. I can't imagine what they have had to deal with over the years and why they didn't think they could turn to their father and I.

Do any of you have any experiences with the Accutane and the iPledge Program? I can see that it is going to be a very strict regimen and serious commitment for her and for the parents. We are willing to help her any way we can, but will her mom commit to it? We asked the daughter to consider living with us the 6 months or so that she will be on the treatment. She has to be on a strict low cholesterol diet, and I know she won't be able to stick to it living with her mom. We want to help and be able to monitor her better. I love the push for abstinence in the program. I hope she realizes how serious it all is.

We did her first set of labs at the hospital yesterday. We will have to wait a full 30 days and during her period to get another pregnancy test before they will start her on the medication. (Accutane is known to produce severe birth defects) Treatments with the drug will go for 4-5 months. Labs to be done each month with a follow-up appointment. She has to continue with all the "rules" for another month after stopping the meds. It will be a long process, but I told her she is not in it alone, we are here to help her succeed in this. She says she is ready, I hope we can convince her to stay here until the treatments are complete.

I can't believe I am saying it... I will need lots of prayer!!! She is not used to rules and curfews and responsibilities. My hubby and I will have to come together with a united front in many ways to make it work.

Stepmother's Bill of Rights

I just came across this on "The Wicked Stepmom" Blog. AND I LOVE IT! I've never seen a "bill of rights" for the stepmom, but we sure need one!

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

The Blame Game

Well, my brother did not turn himself in last night. Now the excuse is that he wants to wait until after July 4th so he can watch his son pop fireworks. HUH? I suppose it will always be one excuse after another. He has also chosen to stay "hidden out" for the rest of the week, because he is afraid they will come to his house and arrest him if he goes home. So again he has left a mess for someone else to clean up. How many bridges can you burn in your life before there are none left to cross?

So my mom called last night to update me on his decision, and she has already gone to the trailer he is renting to try and get some of HER stuff. I told her I would help her today get my nephew's stuff out of there. I refuse to move all of my brother's things. When I got off the phone with her, I was furious that my brother ran away from his responsibilities, yet again and expects my mom to go clear out his place!

So I pick up the phone and call him. I asked him, "What happened, I thought you were gonna turn yourself in today?" Instantly, the yelling began. His favorite tactic? The BLAME GAME. The Rules? #1 Never allow someone to tell you what you are doing wrong. #2 It is never your fault, always someone else's. Of course, he tried to say the only reason he was going to jail was because we wouldn't take him or loan him a vehicle to go to his court appearance on Monday. I stood my ground. I explained that it is not MY responsibility or my mom's to make sure he gets to his appointments. I also told him I would not enable him to continue in breaking the law in any way. He does not have a driver's license (it's been revoked twice) and he wanted to drive my mom's car to another city. (My mom's car is in my husband's name) So if he were to get pulled over or thrown in jail after the court hearing, my mom's car would be impounded or left 40 miles away for us to go get. Worse yet, what if he has a wreck in it or does something illegal while driving it? No way, he can be mad all he wants about that.

So everytime I tried to tell him something he didn't want to hear, he hung up on me. After the cussing, screaming, telling me to stay out of his *#@$!@!#* life. He never tells me to stay out of his life when he needs something from me.

I want to protect my precious nephew at all costs. I don't want to see him grow up with a father who shuns responsibility, smokes crack, blames everyone else for his problems and uses his own child to get what he wants. My emotions are a mess today. Praise God for my best friend, I chatted with her online throughout the ordeal last night. She understands and has lived through this with several of her family members. I prayed last night for God to protect him while he was out on the streets or wherever he ended up last night. I prayed, I cried, and then cried some more. Not a lot of sleeping.

I saw a verse on my calendar just now that I must claim and carry out no matter what. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14

Emotions

My husband and I ran away for the weekend, just the two of us, for a much needed stress-free weekend. Boy was it nice! Of course, it is Back to Reality now! Family members stress us out more than anything. Isn't that sad the way that works?

My brother has made a whole list of mistakes over the years, mostly to support his drug habit. It amazes me how he has managed to dodge the cops and avoid any serious jail time. Several months ago, he had one of his all-night binges and found himself, as usual, out of money for crack. He broke in to his girlfriend's house during the night (while she was at work) and stole her mother's gun to trade for drugs. A few days later, they realized that the gun was missing and confronted him. Understandably, her mom pressed charges. Well, he still has not gone to court for this incident. Apparently, yesterday he was scheduled for a court appearance in the county where it took place. He called all of us late the night before and early that morning saying he needed a ride. Well, we were all working! He should have made arrangements days earlier instead of waiting till the last minute and expecting everyone to rearrange their lives!

So this morning, I got off work at 7:00 a.m. and he is calling me in a panic asking me to give him a ride to his job. I go get him and you would have thought the world was coming to an end within the next 2 minutes! He seemed very jittery, not unlike the addicts I see when I pick them up in the ambulance. Does he think I am stupid? I figure he either needs a fix really bad or he has been smoking crack all night and ran out of money. His employer continues to give him advances on his pay; he now owes the company $1500, or that is the amount he told me. He was in such a big hurry to get the check and cash it, supposedly to get to the courts and turn himself in. Yet he still doesn't have a ride there today. Hmmm...

He began to get emotional, because he said he will probably go to prison and not see his son for a few years. That saddens me too, but it is unfathomable to me just how many years he has gone breaking the law and it is finally catching up to him. Another tragedy unfolds because of the evil consequences of being an addict.

What more is there to say? I am just at a loss... I have no encouraging words left, no sympathy left for those who destroy there lives willingly. I have tried to be a constant for my brother over the years. And apparently he knows where to come when he needs help. But I refuse to enable him to continue the lifestyle and make me feel sorry for him. All we can do is pray....